n o t * a f r a i d * t o * d i e ~

Nobody knows what waits ahead,
Beyond the earth and sky
La, de-la, de-la,
I'm not afraid to die

And let the work of my own hand,
Be broken by and by.
La, de-la, de-la,
I'm not afraid to die

Sometimes it finds me fast asleep,
And wakes me where I lie.
La, de-la, de-la,
I'm not afraid to die

Forget my sins up on the wind,
My hobo soul will rise.
La, de-la, de-la,
I'm not afraid to die

La, de-la, de-la,
I'm not afraid to die

Gillian Welch
Hell Among The Yearlings

a t t e n d i n g ~

two angels kneel playing,
as the patron saint of music sleeps...

St Cecilia
by JW Waterhouse, 1895

two * for * the * road ~

A Language Older Than Words
by Derrick Jensen



What Her Body Thought: A Journey Into Shadows
by Susan Griffin

curiouser & curiouser ~

i sense ~ increasingly ~ that i will be Going!


one night, i will simply go to sleep, & wake in a different realm.
one day, in ecstatic trance, i will simply follow my already~dancing~spirit straight out of this body,
& onwards to Other Worlds.

i dream it constantly. i see it with my Sight. i sense it not just physically, in aggrieved health states; but also psychically on a soulful level. something deep within me is getting more & more ready to Fly.


very intriguing!


when my life blew up ~ age 21 ~ and everything as i knew it fell to pieces, i swore to myself no matter how depressed i became, i would never harm myself. a promise repeated over & over & over, through almost 2 decades of depth work & gut-wrenching healing. didn't mean i didn't feel despair ~ i did. didn't mean i didn't traverse some very dark valleys ~ often. my promise to myself was to never, ever, ever give up. i would not betray myself.


so to be facing one's own natural organic Crossing,
without anyone's so-called 'medical diagnosis'
but a true-blue sense straight from the Self
that i am Moving On
is
both
wondrous
&
a cause for celebration!


to be in THIS body, in THIS culture, in THIS environmental era of toxicity has become almost unbearably difficult most of the time. i have a full tool-box of coping skills & knowledge; and i create my oases of safety & peace carefully, always attending.

but it is a job & a half to even exist ~ when one is so minutely sensitive to air, water, food, allergens, chemicals, & electromagnetic fields whose quality all register so explicitly on my well-being. for those still in environmental disbelief, all i can say is go sit by a polluted pond, on a summer day, & watch a sick frog labouring to breathe. drop your ego & imagine you ARE the frog for a moment... and wonder at all the life forms suffering because of our human actions.


the side effect of all this depth healing, sensitivity, & attention to soul dreaming over the past two decades has been a gradual growing awareness of the Spirit World; of Other Realms; of Ongoing Life beyond this one. my best friend's Crossing accelerated something already well in process in a magnificent, blossoming, multi-sensory way. his ongoing gift to me has been endlessly creative forms of love, care, intervention, presence, & canny serendipities from the Other Side. the notion that i get to leave this illness, leave these limitations, to join him again in an entirely new realm is...
d e l i c i o u s .


so,
plod forward;
lurch into another reaction;
crash to a halt;
anchor in writing & reflection;
open up & Ask for Help;
notice;
pause;
integrate;
add new awareness;
prepare.



that is the honest way of it right now
&
i am open to it all ~

i n t e n s e l y ~

a * q u i c k e n i n g ~

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action.

There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is,
nor how it compares with other expression.

It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.

You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open.



No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.



Martha Graham

e * b * t * g ~

If you loose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there' ll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Everything But The Girl
album Amplified Heart

shot * the * sherriff ~

is Bob Marley in Starbucks a relief...
or just wrong?

not sure
but it definitely beats david foster or celine dion
so i will shut up & groove.



ayyyyyyy

days of hell... & nights of more hell

extreme fatigue ~ waves of delirium ~ horrific sleeps ~ high fibromyalgia pain levels ~ inflamed sensitivity to chemicals ~ shooting through altered states without respite ~ not a balanced (or happy) scene


then the laptop seized up (Malware! beware!)
then the techie charged me $140 for doing ~ apparently ~ nothing
then the laptop went BACK to the shop & sat for a week
now out on runaway leave... which will be followed by a letter of high complaint to owner, demanding refund



moral of the story?
being desperately ill
while living alone
with NO online access
redefines hellishness





time to go home & play some VERY loud thumpy bass
some VERY roots reggae
some VERY wailin' bluegrass
some VERY screechin' Hendrix

& shake out the boogers of this Hell Week...

exhausted, lonely ~

exhausted
12 days since last acupuncture treatment
body a hot mess

lost
12 days since last authentic conversation about inner worlds
triggers spinning


& lonely


i don't often use that word: and i don't often feel the state. i can endure A LOT before i actually feel that very particular & acute absence of human companionship; when solitude slides into loneliness. but there it is. i am lonely. i ache for real, authentic, vibrant human interaction, about the things that matter most to my passionate heart. i long to share. i long to meet others in their needs, to be privvy to what truly matters to them, to offer a caring ear. yet the damn price of this illness is rarely getting to the place where making such new rich friendships flourishes with any regularity.



a different kind of lonely settles in, too, when i am this environmentally sick. less to do with human or animal friends missing; more to do with losing access to the spirit realms that normally inform, delight, surprise, & comfort me. such subtle senses do not fare well in a non-stop barrage of repeated environmental trauma; and the very guides & spirits that would most ease my soul seem far far away right now.

i know by now this is a technical glitch at this 'receiver's' end; that my own channels are energetically gimmelled. but even this knowing requires a) patience, b) forbearance, c) faith... precisely when one is already so sick, so physically miserable, it seems the angels ought to be dancing around the bed with comfort already.



if there is ONE thing i hope this blog has done, over the last years, is that in giving me a place to put such musings, to craft them with shape & careful form, i may also have helped someone else along the way. however small the audience, however specialised the condition, i hope i may have offered a story of solace, or shared experience, or gram of comfort to another person searching. the slightest things have often serendipitously been of enormous comfort to me ~ a book chanced upon in a busy store, a line of poetry, a song on the radio, the 'just right' biography that gave contours to an issue i had assumed peculiar only to myself. not so ~ and such relief to find another brave mind & spirit daring to express the contours openly. maybe i have done that, once in a while. i hope so.


i believe in authenticity.


much of the world does not. and certainly the speed, drive, and values of our modern culture do not encourage great authenticity & depth in most. but i believe in authenticity more than anything else, really. without it, one is a sham. with it, one is true. with courage, and by leaning hard, really trusting that authenticity with all one's might & heart, marvellous things can happen. for me it all starts with being * a u t h e n t i c *


that is why i don't sanitise this. that is why there is no white-wash, no chipper update ~ unless i truly feel chipper that day. better an honest howl; than a pretend smile. better to be true to oneself; and to be up front with others. how else can we navigate with integrity?





image Jane Campion's Bright Star

i n c r e d u l o u s ~

heinous days lately, all of them. one reaction after another after another, on a bedrock of exhaustion. few seem to listen, and fewer yet to say anything of any import.

the price of long-term illness is boring the people who are still well.
as long as you suppress your symptoms,
slap on a smile,
talk cheery talk in THEIR comfort zone,
you will have some companionship ~
however much you have to falsify yourself to have it... at all.




i watch almost everyone i know go on holiday.

what is a 'holiday' for the sick?
do bodies in illness recognise time-outs & call a cease-fire for the never-ending volley of symptoms?
no.
do governments give a tinker's cuss about 'quality of life' markers such as the financial ability TO go on a holiday?
no.


trips to barcelona
trips to japan to see the cherry blossom festivals
trips to the okanagan
trips to ski down snowy slopes
trips to europe to see the places of childhood
trips to island retreats
trips to nova scotia
trips to hawaii
trips to palm springs to tan all winter
trips to ski resorts for the weekend deal
trips to ottawa
trips to vermont
trips to italy to bike the amalfi coast
trips to the bahamas to celebrate christmas
trips to the maritimes to soak up marine lore


i stay in bed. no trips here. i would LOVE to go on a real holiday. yet to do so, i'd need real health ~ and so far nobody is offering to send me to a health clinic to truly heal the root issues in my body's ever-edgy condition.

i would LOVE to go on a one week stay in a quiet cabin in the woods ~ simply to have a change of scene. how civilised that would be. i might still lie in bed, resting or reading, but at least somebody would have said 'you! you deserve a lovely restful blissful holiday! you deserve to feel well! lets sort this out!'

but nobody says such things.





Flora
from Jane Campion's The Piano